Listening requires skills of approximation, imagination and empathy. No one claims that these processes are easy.

In one sense, the human experiment has failed to produce the kind of results that an observer dropped in from on high might expect. We have reasonably good hearing and a miraculous ability to use and manipulate symbols. But many of us still chatter morning to night. Yet, with exceptions,  a cosmic witness would surely notice that we are often inept at using our sense of hearing to accurately receive specific content. It is easy enough to lay down carpets of ideas, wishes, feelings, impressions and greetings. But as receivers of messages we often miss what has been put at our feet.

Most of us are bad listeners because of the innate narcissism that comes from wanting to make impressions rather than being impressed. Indeed, we hardly notice when we are walking over another’s words or pleas. Responding to another’s specific comments taxes us more than our efforts to put out there what we believe are interesting selves for others to admire.

True, it is more work to be a good listener than a fluent talker. Our verbalized thoughts come from within. But listening starts with a blank slate that must be filled in by generating the energy to receive something which comes from another’s experience. Most of us can more easily talk about our day than to genuinely listen to someone else’s. Listening requires skills of approximation, imagination and empathy. And no one claims that these processes are easy. So we often fall back on the habit of a “listening” performance that is little more than waiting for our turn to speak.

Think of this differential another way. The body levels an energy surcharge for being intensely engaged with the other’s feelings and ideas. Following another’s rhetorical wanderings at the norm of 200 words a minute is more taxing than creating our own. This condition makes it easy to escape another’s part of the exchange and engage the mind elsewhere. So we look at our phones. We make mental lists. We notice that we are late for another event. We wear earbuds that enable escape. And so on.

To be sure, we all have acquaintances who are only too happy to turn a conversational partner into an audience. They only gain satisfaction from being heard. And your enforced silence can free a wondering mind that may never get a chance to respond.

None of us are immune from the fatigue that comes with listening for meaning and nuance. What helps, however, is the creation of a conscious awareness that an impending listening task will be its own kind of tough work. For this reason, it helps to acknowledge listening challenges to be faced before they start. Just as you might “psych” yourself for a presentation to a group of people, it is helpful to mentally process the fact that the next minutes will require the work of prodigious listening. This puts the task on the day’s agenda of the challenging work to be completed. Think of how often you pass on specific and important information to others who show no sign that they see the moment as significant. Note-taking or asking for clarification is what most information-givers would like to see. What we usually get instead is an individual cognitively ‘idling’ while giving the appearance of being tuned in.

All of these conditions are applicable only if another is able to comprehend what is being said. Fluency in the language, overcoming noise, and completing thoughts from fragments of language are considerable skills.