Category Archives: Models

Examples we can productively study

Getting Clarity: The Usefulness of “Mirroring”

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U.S. Department of Labor
                        U.S. Department of Labor

Humans are all about the business of adding and subtracting to whatever the facts on the ground may be. 

Mediators and counselors spend a lot of time working with individuals who are struggling to find common ground.  These sessions could be as formal as talks between labor and management representatives trying to forge a new workplace agreement.  Or they can be significantly less structured, as in a typical impasse in couple’s therapy, where memories about recent disagreements are different probably producing more heat than light.

It is part of our nature to see things and understand even simple events in unique ways. We may live in the age of the perfect digital copy. As we have noted, humans, by contrast, are all about the business of adding and subtracting to whatever the facts on the ground may be.

A favorite teacher once explained it this way. Imagine two people are hiking along opposite sides of the same valley. They are perhaps a mile or two apart, separating by the valley floor and its varied geography. If we stop them at the same time and ask for a report of what they see, they will describe essentially different valleys. Their foreground views of particular features provide unique impressions about the landscape. So while both are “right” in their own ways, there are clearly variances in their reports.

Such perspective-based observation is simply built into our unique operating system. Perception is a mix of observation and imagination. And though this built-in variability creates all kinds of problems in life, we probably wouldn’t want it any other way.  Perspective is what makes us who we are.

Even so, it can be useful to work out disruptive differences of understanding in a process known as mirroring. It’s a simple method where the facilitator or mediator asks one side in a dispute to first restate what the other side has said, to the other’s satisfaction. This summary must be accepted by the other side before he or she can move on and state their own views.  In couple’s counseling mirroring may take the form of a therapist asking John to restate what he think he heard in Mary’s last remark. The therapist reminds him to not interpret the remark, but simply restate it as accurately as possible. True to form, John makes the effort, but perhaps not quite to Mary’s satisfaction (Mary: “You’re still not hearing what I’m saying”).  So he tries again, probably getting closer in registering her feelings or complaints.

The process stops a common and destructive pattern called “bypassing,” which is the term of choice for “listening” that is really just waiting for a turn to speak.  And while mirroring has the disadvantage of slowing down the natural flow of conversation to a measured crawl, its advantage is that it forces each side into acknowledgement of the other. The payoff is clearer understanding and maybe genuine empathy. To restate another’s view’s accurately gets a person a little closer to the elusive goal of full understanding.

This process does not necessarily require a moderator. We know we are on the right track when we hear something like “Let me see if I can paraphrase what I think you are saying.” But a third person can often help.

Try this sometime when you need to step in to the mediator role. Helping others to actually grapple with raw feelings is a useful service we sometimes must provide to friends or coworkers.

 

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Prayer as Performance

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Photo: New York Times
                          Photo: New York Times

Prayers within a place of worship seem right, but even some clergy think it’s a bad fit when prayers are imposed on others beyond a given faith community.

The Supreme Court’s recent 5 to 4 decision allowing the town of Greece New York to open its meetings with a prayer (Greece v. Galloway, 2014) was a blow to groups like Americans United for Separation of Church and State. Barry Lynn’s organization was among the petitioners arguing that it was a violation of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment to allow municipal groups to begin meetings with a spoken prayer. The clause states that a governmental body cannot establish or impose religious beliefs on others. Most of the discussion surrounding this judgment has focused on when a religious act in a civic space passes the threshold of being more than simply “ceremonial.”

The idea of officially sanctioned prayers in secular spaces poses a reasonable question. Why is a spoken public prayer necessary at all?  Wouldn’t a moment of silence do the same thing, with the benefit of not of leaving some citizens with the impression that they have been excluded?  In the United States it is common in many communities for a town or community to invite members of the Christian clergy to perform these functions, even though attendees at meetings often include non-Christians and non-believers. Of the two plaintiffs in Galloway, one was Jewish and the second was an atheist. They objected to the fact that most prayers in the upstate New York community invoked God and Jesus.

The Bible’s Matthew 6:6 advises the devout to enter into a private place for prayer.  “When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret. . .”  We also know from other Gospels that Jesus often left his followers to pray alone. He seemed to have no appetite for turning prayer into a rhetorical exercise.

 If prayer is what most of us assume it to be–a conversation between oneself and God–it by default beyond the notice or sanction of the state. We are truly free to pray almost anywhere at any time.  But insisting on public prayers spoken in behalf of a group often seems to represent an ersatz kind of religiosity that uses piety to conceal a less noble rhetorical function. Because they are meant to be seen, spoken prayers demand at least the outward compliance of all who are present. By essentially demanding visible supplication to the speaker’s God there is also an implied request for at least tacit endorsement.  Only a bore would interrupt another’s fervent prayer.

There seems to be an additional function of prayers offered in schools,  or at the beginning of town meetings in places like Greece New York, or just before opposing teams beat each other up on the playing field.  Some of these efforts seem to be back-door attempts at what a sociologist might call “social legitimation.” Those who insist on a ritual of public prayer are also insisting to be noticed.  And one reasonable guess is that they are using the specific language of their faith to impose their own aspirational values on the larger community.

As things go, this kind of inducement to compliance is no more than a mild form of coercion. But using the good will of others to achieve a private objective is not a pretty sight, especially when the process is ostensibly democratic.  The idea of personal freedom is degraded when we are forced into arbitrary forms of  compliance.  It’s one thing if a self-selected group wishes to invoke prayers heard by all members. But that is not the case with those who gather to further civic causes. Communities are often diverse.  And most civic groups are organized around instrumental rather than inspirational goals. So when authorized by cities and other secular establishments, public prayers seem to function as a kind of theater of status endorsements: rewarding the compliant and reminding those beyond the pale that they are a minority.